I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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