A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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