if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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