My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
