A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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