I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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