i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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