how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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