I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have peed in a lot of sinks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
