I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
