I am spending my child support on dildos
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
