very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
