My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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