Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
