I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
