I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize