He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize