you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
