hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
