she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
