Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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