just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
