The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
