what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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