Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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