Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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