Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize