My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i dont even know how to be here
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
