You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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