I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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