why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
