I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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