are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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