Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
