Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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