Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
