I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
