i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
