I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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