I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
