sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm really busy with my period
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