WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
