k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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