based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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