My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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