careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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