Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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