No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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