you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
