things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
