Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
