You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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