then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
