i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Randomize
