hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
