ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
