my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
