Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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