I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize