I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
