Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
