Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
