i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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