i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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