I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
