he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
