Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize