I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
