Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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