My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
